My soul was weary, when I arrived at the Jesuit Center as a student in the fall of 2002. At the time, I was a spouse of a pastor and stay-at home mom of 3 young children. I came seeking some quiet and had a longing to learn new spiritual practices to infuse my soul. At the time, it wasn’t enough to just come and BE, I came seeking what I could “do” to bring some life to my worn-out spirit.
I spent a lot of time at the Kairos School of Spiritual Formation thinking about the big assignment God might want me to do. It was on a monthly retreat that I became intrigued with a Bible story that involved a child, a boy. It was the story of Jesus feeding the crowd of 5000 and the boy who offered his lunch to feed the large crowd. Did he hand over his lunch willingly? I imagined this boy, not unlike my 2 sons, was very curious about what Jesus would do with his 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Did this boy have previous knowledge of Jesus’ miracle “magic?”
In sitting with this passage, I wondered what it must have been like for this boy to give Jesus his seemingly, ordinary lunch. My insecure self believes I would have been afraid about offering my lunch. I might have said, “But It’s not enough. You want my lunch? I am sure someone else has a bigger lunch!”
These are not unlike the questions I say almost everyday to myself about being a mom, a spiritual healer and coach, a Christian…”But I am not good enough. You are asking me to do what? Oh, there are others who can do 'it' a lot better!”
I came to Kairos seeking what I could “do” to earn my stripes as a Christian but during my time there - once every month for 3 years - I left with a different message. I heard things like "Stop striving…You have earned your stripes…Just be…You are enough…Rest… IT’S enough!"
My soul said, "AHHHH!"
Could I trust that it is enough to show up in this world, warts and all, and offer my small, seemingly ordinary lunch?
I have grown to understand that every day is an opportunity to offer my “lunch” and there is no specific, certain way to do that. I show up, am present and willing to offer my ordinary life which I have to come to find is the biggest assignment of all.
Instead of looking for the next big “assignment” from God, what is right in front of you that needs your full presence?